Spanx My Ass...Please!

Alright Cookies, while Cadis had the pleasure of hearing the latest update only minutes after the occurrence, the rest of you are very VERY behind. I had a brush with death this weekend. You see...my spiffy new Spanx (Body Wrap Lites to be exact, not brand name Spanx but...) arrived while Princy Pooh was here for a visit. I carefully removed them from their packaging while I thought he was busy showering and grooming. Unfortunately he walked out and so innocently asked "What it that?!" After a brief explanation that included my fear of clinging fabric he said "Try it on, I don't get it". As previously mentioned I ordered a large (see photo below for laugh). While I hesitated to try on the sausage casing in my still very new boyfriend's presence I also worried that if I tried it on alone I might get stuck. Then what?! So with his help (there was absolutely no way I could get that bastard on alone) I made it into my girdle. Fine quotes from Princy Pooh included, "Ok now put your boobs where they go, wait, where are your boobs?" said as he tugged at the bottom of the slip from my hips and "You think what happens to women in my country is inhumane?!" I had no better luck getting out of the contraption. I even considered filming the spectacle but I thought I'd leave something to your well working imaginations. So to Kara I say...are you sure about those 8 pairs of Spanx over threading? I think I'll opt for the best brows in the wedding party and forget about my flab.

It must be noted that this is the garment post try on. It was half that size before it's tangle with my ass.

Threading, Cow Palace and Spanx?!...

So, as previously mentioned multiple times...I'm a slacker. I've been living large in more ways than one here in sunny CA. Which brings me to my first and most recent shopping adventure. I'm in two weddings in the next year and well I pretty much do not fit into any mass produced dress pattern (also previously mentioned). So I have decided that the only logical and economical solution is Spanx...or some knock-off variety. Today I scoured the internet looking for the perfect sausage casing to wear under my bridesmaid dresses. The next step will be to venture out and actually try some on before settling on a model and then outbidding some 40 + year old woman on Ebay. The thought of this leaves me in a cold sweat. And just a quick question...should I be put off by that fact that I most likely require a Large girdle to be less large? I say bring on the cheesecake.

I've been spending a bit of time in the Bay Area. Sadly in all my glory I've taken but one picture. And I only managed this so that Patty and Cadis Fly could truly appreciate the beauty of the Corn Palace back home. Google this if you want more details, I guess it's kind of a big deal.

Now on to threading. If you have no clue what I'm talking about let me just say that I think threading could give water boarding a run for it's money as most popular torture method. Despite the following video's claim of painless hair removal I was most definitely in pain following my eyebrow styling. But alas...I plan to continue. Princy Pooh has even generously volunteered his mother to teach me to do my own and I do think he may have even offered to do mine for me. That's some serious bondage...bonding.

Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threading_(epilation)

Oh yeah, one more important fact. I've decided to betray my generation and refuse to text message.

Wish me luck.

Facebook: Where Social Networking & Stalking Align...

Quick blast from the past:

Background - Roughly 5 or 6 months ago it came to my attention via Facebook that Houdini was dating. She was my age, smoked and worked for the same company as Houdini (I only mention smoking because he was adamantly against it). After further investigative efforts I discovered she had at one point been married. It was unclear if she was divorced or merely stepping out while dating Houdini. But I was polite and wished him luck.

Current - Houdini was suddenly listed as single. Again after further investigative efforts I found that he felt "Betrayed" (Thank you Myspace) and that she was five months pregnant (Again, thank you Myspace) with a baby girl. So using my insane reasoning skills I have determined that Houdini was dating a girl for the past 5 or so months that was pregnant all along with a child that is not his. I'll take shopping over this Jerry Springer episode any day!

The Motherhood...

Yesterday I had the divine pleasure of shopping. Yes that statement is dripping with sarcasm. Perhaps I have faulty DNA but as a woman I loathe shopping for anything but purses and linen. It has been my experience that most stores geared at 20 somethings present clothes that are either ridiculously "trendy" trashy or cater only to very compact bodies. I prefer to be none of the previously listed. Which then places me in stores carrying fashions more appropriate for my mother. So while I wandered the mall yesterday in dismay it came to my attention that there is one store which carries body conscience, cute clothes...The Motherhood! That's right, I see things I like better than any Hollister or Wet Seal garb at a maternity store. Something is very wrong with this fact and I don't think it's me. So my next goal is to contact the Motherhood peeps and convince them to create a line that does not have stretch panel tummies and breast-feeding friendly tops just for me.

Interesting note...when griping to Princey Pooh (who had spent the day and roughly $300 casually shopping for a few items) he said, "I don't understand what you mean. How can they not have clothes that fit your body? I would say you're a pretty standard average* woman." BINGO Princey, standard average while by definition should include large masses (of people not weight) is apparently not trendy, trashy or compact, and hence unworthy of its own clothing line. Also just a quick post-it to the Barbie next to me at the gym. While I applaud any and all for working out, don't look at me in disgust as I sweat through miles on the treadmill when you sashay in wearing butt-skimming terry cloth shorts, a wife beater and your Malibu blonde hair DOWN to use the elliptical. Not sure what you plan to accomplish in that outfit but I'm not thinking sweating is on your agenda. Faulty DNA to blame again?!

* I happen to be 5'4 and 140 to 145 pounds. According to multiple sources, the average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 to 150 pounds and a wears a size 14. Certainly not Abercrombie material so WTF?!

Confessions, Speed Limits & Topless Chicoians...

You all know I've been a lazy little blogster as of late. Multiple excuses exist including love. But enough of that. I've got some important issues that must be discussed right here, right now. So let's begin...Today I had lunch with Hairplugs. This was a casual and friendly lunch, certainly not a romantic thing. And I realized while eating at his favorite La Comida (I wasn't impressed), there is a damn good reason I'm with Princey Pooh and not Hairplugs or some other schmuck. While Hairplugs is nice enough there is absolutely no chemistry. And he's not changed a bit despite his months of working on himself. Still vain, but who am I to talk I suppose? I do have a blog afterall. Now here is where the confession comes in...I spent an hour with him and did not find any way to check out his head to see how the hairplugs took root. So sadly I have no updates on that front. My apologies loyal readers.

Next I would like all of you to take a minute and ponder parking lot speed limits. While circling Target's poorly designed lot today I noticed the posted 5mph limit. Does anyone adhere to this limit? Is it truly necessary? And further more, can one actually be pulled over for driving say 7 mph? I would think as responsible adults we could manage in a parking lot without a posted speed limit. Also, who exactly determines the ideal speed we should be driving?

Last but not least a note to all topless Chicoians in my apartment complex. While I am completely for nudity and practice it on a regular basis I do not think that gives all of you the license to saunter around with your tops off. I don't care how hot it is today, overall it's really not a good look for most, me included. Thus I keep my nudity contained within my own home and an occasional music festival. Please do your part to keep Chico beautiful and do the same.

Frequent Flyer...

WTF...I'm going to Seattle AGAIN this weekend. I leave tomorrow night. I'm in love, crazy or a bit of both. I don't see myself saving any money anytime soon. I do plan to look into some frequent flyer programs however :)

Garlic, Yogurt, and Mint...

I'm a bit focused lately on my new "love". As a result the blog is lacking anything of substance but oh well...you don't have to read it. So just an update. I spent the past weekend in Seattle visiting Princey Pooh. He'll be finishing his move to CA very soon and I can't wait. In the meantime I have started a ridiculous task...learning Persian or Farsi. Whichever you prefer. So far I can say "I am Missy May, and you?" "How are you?" "I am good." and I can count to ten. I would have to check with blast from the past Spencer to be sure but I think this qualifies as "on fire."

Now I would like to post a warning about international dating. An open mind and strong stomach are a must. Sweet man cooks, but it's traditional and not mac n' cheese traditional. So this weekend I had zereshk polow. I guess that's chicken, rice and barberries basically. It was very tasty and I must research this further because Sweetie served this dish to me with a yogurt sauce on the side. In that yogurt was garlic and mint. Yeah, so that I think pretty much sums up what my life will be like for the next 15 years if this guy sticks around. A strange combination that ends up working but makes you screw your nose up when considering the details too closely.

And for a final rant I would like to discuss early morning Chalie horses. I got one this morning in my calf of course and the mother fucker still hurts. In fact I'm using it as my excuse not to work out and to blog instead. I would like someone to explain this painful phenomena to me please. Because I'm too lazy and too sore to research or truly care myself. Thanks.

I almost forgot...I gave two bucks to a man with a sign on Monday. Cadis you would have had a fit, but I couldn't resist. He had a great cardboard sign which read "I may be ugly but I'm still hungry". I bet he makes a killing!