A Few of My Favorite Things...

I'm currently hulled up in SF and have managed to wake up in the same outfit that I fell asleep in all week. So apparently my previous post was just a fluke - mystery solved and I still have no excuse for highschool. Anyway, I wanted to share yet another of my favorite commercials which never fails me when I need a smile.

Also I would like to take a moment to share with you my disgust for bulk buying stores such as Costco and Sam's Club. Princy Pooh lured me there last night under the ruse of "grocery shopping". $109 later we had enough salmon and chicken breast to last until the end of time. Which will be a painfully long and hungry span for me as I don't really care for either item. We also have a month's supply of yogurt, tomatoes and mushrooms. What the fuck am I supposed to make with that?! Anyway, I'm over it now I guess. He's on his own for meal ideas the rest of the week. I just wanted some fucking enchilada sauce.

Other points of interest...I'm one step closer to sucking it up and car shopping. I'm switching banks this week so I can get a better interest rate and then I'll be sending Princy Pooh in to do some heavy duty negotiating. I was instructed that during this process I'm to say I'm a student and so is he. I had no idea there would be role playing involved, but I'll go along with it for now.

Finally happy birthday to Ms. Patty Pants. Hope you had wonderful time at the game.

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

Strange thing happened to me just the other night. I was visiting Princy Pooh in the Bay and I often sleep like a log while there. Well I went to sleep like usual wearing a nightie but I woke up very much naked. At first I thought nothing of this (I do occasionally sleep a bit naked) until I realized that my nightie was tossed across the living room. I immediately accused Princy Pooh of funny business and scolded him for not doing a better job and actually waking me up. But he denied it and confirmed that yes, as far as he could remember I had come to bed fully clothed. And so it remains a mystery. I'll be going back to see him on Tuesday so we'll see if it's a developing trend. I secretly suspect that I've had this problem - sleepwalking stripteases- for a very long time and that it accounts for some of the less than desirable lovers I've encountered over the years. I simply fell asleep minding my own business and boom. Much like the girls that "accidentally" have sex with people. Anyway, no matter at this point. I just better make sure Princy locks the doors and windows at night so I don't escape.

Weighing in...

Lately I've been spending a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of owning a scale (pardon the pun). And I've come to the conclusion that there is really no benefit. Other than weighing my luggage prior to flying, the scale mostly exists to piss me off and ruin at least one day of each of my weeks. So I'm considering a bit of a challenge...I will not weigh myself for the rest of the year. Hell if that goes well then maybe I'll just never weigh myself. As someone that has made a habit of weekly weigh-ins for many years (fucking American culture) this may be a bit tough. I imagine though that after a month of panic and then the realization that my clothes still fit and that I will never weigh significantly less or more, I may indeed find peace. For the record I own two scales and often like to play them against one another. Anyway, don't be surprised if you get scales in the mail for X-mas Cadis and Patty...

Now for an IUD update. I have been approved by my insurance to the tune of $439.40. That's a $25o deductible and 20%. But considering my birth control runs $120 for three months, I consider 5 years at $439.40 an absolute steal. Now I just have to survive the insertion in December. Merry X-mas me...

And finally I would just like to bitch about car maintenance. This week has cost me 750 big ones in car repair for my 2001 Bonnie. Hardly worth it. And while I was making every effort to survive with that fine automobile until I could save up to pay cash for my next ride...I think I may have to fold soon. I'm looking at options now and plan to send Princy Pooh in to secure the best deal possible for me (he's ruthless, learned to bargain in the alleys of Tehran you know). I'm currently researching the Honda Fit... So should someone have ample time while working nights, feel free to search that and similar cars. Well tonight is officially 4 months with Princy Pooh so I must now prep for our date.

Oh and one last thing...I buckled to yet more pressure today and had my upper lip threaded. The last three times the lovely women providing my fine eyebrow sculpting had tried to tempt me with the upper lip. But as a fair skinned blondie I thought there was simply no need. I was pushed over the edge today though when the girl said, "There's really quite a bit of hair there you know. Just look." Guerrilla sales tactics. Kicking me while I'm fat (at least I think), broke, and already teary eyed from my brows.

PS it's 73 here in the south Bay...how's that fine weather back home??

Sound Check...

Well I truly wanted to blog everyday since Thursday, but I've been bed bound since my tragic IUD fitting. Ok I'm being a bit dramatic but let me just say it hurt. Can I get some lidocaine please all up in there?! Anyway I'll spare you the super gory details and leave it at it hurt, much like a extreme and life-threatening 30 second cramp. Apparently I have a very tight os. Yes that's one you don't hear everyday. And I'm not entirely sure if that's a compliment or not. But according to the good doc I "sound" at 7.5 and can indeed have my IUD. I plan to give myself a good two to three months to forget the "sounding" pain prior to signing up for insertion pain. Princy Pooh has agreed to go with me to the next appointment though. I think there'll be some 10 am ice cream and Fat Tires following that appointment.

Tonight I'm attempting to make a dish I've christened Mexican Lasagna. I shall cut tortilla's into strips. Make a mixture of cheese, cottage cheese, salsa and enchilada sauce to layer with chicken chunks between said tortilla strips and then bake the mess for some undetermined time at some magic temperature and see what I get in the end. I hope Princy Pooh isn't too hungry tonight...

And after much debate Princy Pooh and I have decided to postpone our trip to Canada to meet his folks until March during the Persian New Year. Mmmm Canada in March, sounds lovely no? I'm told there are some pretty amazing pastries involved in the Persian New Year though so I'm pretty excited about the whole deal. It does involve a red eye flight after which I will meet my potential in-laws. I'm also equally excited about that part. That's it for now koochooloos. Oh and you're more than welcome to send care packages in anticipation of my medical procedure :)

Thought I'd also add a music video in honor of my upcoming trip. I can understand maybe three words...better step up my language lessons.

Shopping Hell & Fornication...

Well I survived the big wedding and the Spanx (though I do think I came close to puncturing a lung on some misbehaving underwire while shaking it to Love Shack.) I did receive a fair amount of grief for my lack of blogging so here you girlies go.

Wedding Breakdown:

It was a nice wedding, I enjoyed myself. Best of all, the wedding gave me a chance to get my priorities straight as far as wedding bliss is concerned. Basically, I won't be having one...at least not a traditional one, or one that happens in the good ol' U S of A. Princy Pooh and I have already pinky sweared on the details.

Top Wedding Moments:

1) Cowdog (apparently he is a person and not just a book character that also answers to Hank)

2) Mommy Dearest's "Oh who dates these days anyway, you all just sleep together right?!"

3) Being served a pint at a local pub by a pregnant past classmate wearing a kilt.

999999) Running into Camo Man (see the details of my last voyage home if confused) while helping the bride to be pickup the tux's. (I could have done without this one)

Also, I will be going to the doctor on Thursday to do a bit of research...my latest obsession is IUD's. I'm convinced it is the best choice for birth control for the modern women. Apparently I have to be "measured" before I can have one inserted. I'm not entirely sure what this entails but I have a pretty graphic mental picture started. I'll get back to you all on that one.

Also, no blog is complete without a bitch session. So here goes...I just want a pair of jeans that fit. Is my ass really that out of this world that no company can manage to create jeans with appropriate proportions? I have even attempted to buy jeans from L.L fucking Bean. I give up! Kudos to Princy Pooh for listening to me bawl and swear like a sailor for five minutes after trying on said L.L Bean jeans. Perhaps I'm a touch hormonal right now as well.

I'll leave you now with a gift just for Cadis. I'll send you it as an email so you can print it out for your fridge. You're a stronger woman than I Ms. Cadis.

Spanx My Ass...Please!

Alright Cookies, while Cadis had the pleasure of hearing the latest update only minutes after the occurrence, the rest of you are very VERY behind. I had a brush with death this weekend. You see...my spiffy new Spanx (Body Wrap Lites to be exact, not brand name Spanx but...) arrived while Princy Pooh was here for a visit. I carefully removed them from their packaging while I thought he was busy showering and grooming. Unfortunately he walked out and so innocently asked "What it that?!" After a brief explanation that included my fear of clinging fabric he said "Try it on, I don't get it". As previously mentioned I ordered a large (see photo below for laugh). While I hesitated to try on the sausage casing in my still very new boyfriend's presence I also worried that if I tried it on alone I might get stuck. Then what?! So with his help (there was absolutely no way I could get that bastard on alone) I made it into my girdle. Fine quotes from Princy Pooh included, "Ok now put your boobs where they go, wait, where are your boobs?" said as he tugged at the bottom of the slip from my hips and "You think what happens to women in my country is inhumane?!" I had no better luck getting out of the contraption. I even considered filming the spectacle but I thought I'd leave something to your well working imaginations. So to Kara I say...are you sure about those 8 pairs of Spanx over threading? I think I'll opt for the best brows in the wedding party and forget about my flab.

It must be noted that this is the garment post try on. It was half that size before it's tangle with my ass.

Threading, Cow Palace and Spanx?!...

So, as previously mentioned multiple times...I'm a slacker. I've been living large in more ways than one here in sunny CA. Which brings me to my first and most recent shopping adventure. I'm in two weddings in the next year and well I pretty much do not fit into any mass produced dress pattern (also previously mentioned). So I have decided that the only logical and economical solution is Spanx...or some knock-off variety. Today I scoured the internet looking for the perfect sausage casing to wear under my bridesmaid dresses. The next step will be to venture out and actually try some on before settling on a model and then outbidding some 40 + year old woman on Ebay. The thought of this leaves me in a cold sweat. And just a quick question...should I be put off by that fact that I most likely require a Large girdle to be less large? I say bring on the cheesecake.

I've been spending a bit of time in the Bay Area. Sadly in all my glory I've taken but one picture. And I only managed this so that Patty and Cadis Fly could truly appreciate the beauty of the Corn Palace back home. Google this if you want more details, I guess it's kind of a big deal.

Now on to threading. If you have no clue what I'm talking about let me just say that I think threading could give water boarding a run for it's money as most popular torture method. Despite the following video's claim of painless hair removal I was most definitely in pain following my eyebrow styling. But alas...I plan to continue. Princy Pooh has even generously volunteered his mother to teach me to do my own and I do think he may have even offered to do mine for me. That's some serious bondage...bonding.

Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threading_(epilation)

Oh yeah, one more important fact. I've decided to betray my generation and refuse to text message.

Wish me luck.

Facebook: Where Social Networking & Stalking Align...

Quick blast from the past:

Background - Roughly 5 or 6 months ago it came to my attention via Facebook that Houdini was dating. She was my age, smoked and worked for the same company as Houdini (I only mention smoking because he was adamantly against it). After further investigative efforts I discovered she had at one point been married. It was unclear if she was divorced or merely stepping out while dating Houdini. But I was polite and wished him luck.

Current - Houdini was suddenly listed as single. Again after further investigative efforts I found that he felt "Betrayed" (Thank you Myspace) and that she was five months pregnant (Again, thank you Myspace) with a baby girl. So using my insane reasoning skills I have determined that Houdini was dating a girl for the past 5 or so months that was pregnant all along with a child that is not his. I'll take shopping over this Jerry Springer episode any day!

The Motherhood...

Yesterday I had the divine pleasure of shopping. Yes that statement is dripping with sarcasm. Perhaps I have faulty DNA but as a woman I loathe shopping for anything but purses and linen. It has been my experience that most stores geared at 20 somethings present clothes that are either ridiculously "trendy" trashy or cater only to very compact bodies. I prefer to be none of the previously listed. Which then places me in stores carrying fashions more appropriate for my mother. So while I wandered the mall yesterday in dismay it came to my attention that there is one store which carries body conscience, cute clothes...The Motherhood! That's right, I see things I like better than any Hollister or Wet Seal garb at a maternity store. Something is very wrong with this fact and I don't think it's me. So my next goal is to contact the Motherhood peeps and convince them to create a line that does not have stretch panel tummies and breast-feeding friendly tops just for me.

Interesting note...when griping to Princey Pooh (who had spent the day and roughly $300 casually shopping for a few items) he said, "I don't understand what you mean. How can they not have clothes that fit your body? I would say you're a pretty standard average* woman." BINGO Princey, standard average while by definition should include large masses (of people not weight) is apparently not trendy, trashy or compact, and hence unworthy of its own clothing line. Also just a quick post-it to the Barbie next to me at the gym. While I applaud any and all for working out, don't look at me in disgust as I sweat through miles on the treadmill when you sashay in wearing butt-skimming terry cloth shorts, a wife beater and your Malibu blonde hair DOWN to use the elliptical. Not sure what you plan to accomplish in that outfit but I'm not thinking sweating is on your agenda. Faulty DNA to blame again?!

* I happen to be 5'4 and 140 to 145 pounds. According to multiple sources, the average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 to 150 pounds and a wears a size 14. Certainly not Abercrombie material so WTF?!

Confessions, Speed Limits & Topless Chicoians...

You all know I've been a lazy little blogster as of late. Multiple excuses exist including love. But enough of that. I've got some important issues that must be discussed right here, right now. So let's begin...Today I had lunch with Hairplugs. This was a casual and friendly lunch, certainly not a romantic thing. And I realized while eating at his favorite La Comida (I wasn't impressed), there is a damn good reason I'm with Princey Pooh and not Hairplugs or some other schmuck. While Hairplugs is nice enough there is absolutely no chemistry. And he's not changed a bit despite his months of working on himself. Still vain, but who am I to talk I suppose? I do have a blog afterall. Now here is where the confession comes in...I spent an hour with him and did not find any way to check out his head to see how the hairplugs took root. So sadly I have no updates on that front. My apologies loyal readers.

Next I would like all of you to take a minute and ponder parking lot speed limits. While circling Target's poorly designed lot today I noticed the posted 5mph limit. Does anyone adhere to this limit? Is it truly necessary? And further more, can one actually be pulled over for driving say 7 mph? I would think as responsible adults we could manage in a parking lot without a posted speed limit. Also, who exactly determines the ideal speed we should be driving?

Last but not least a note to all topless Chicoians in my apartment complex. While I am completely for nudity and practice it on a regular basis I do not think that gives all of you the license to saunter around with your tops off. I don't care how hot it is today, overall it's really not a good look for most, me included. Thus I keep my nudity contained within my own home and an occasional music festival. Please do your part to keep Chico beautiful and do the same.

Frequent Flyer...

WTF...I'm going to Seattle AGAIN this weekend. I leave tomorrow night. I'm in love, crazy or a bit of both. I don't see myself saving any money anytime soon. I do plan to look into some frequent flyer programs however :)

Garlic, Yogurt, and Mint...

I'm a bit focused lately on my new "love". As a result the blog is lacking anything of substance but oh well...you don't have to read it. So just an update. I spent the past weekend in Seattle visiting Princey Pooh. He'll be finishing his move to CA very soon and I can't wait. In the meantime I have started a ridiculous task...learning Persian or Farsi. Whichever you prefer. So far I can say "I am Missy May, and you?" "How are you?" "I am good." and I can count to ten. I would have to check with blast from the past Spencer to be sure but I think this qualifies as "on fire."

Now I would like to post a warning about international dating. An open mind and strong stomach are a must. Sweet man cooks, but it's traditional and not mac n' cheese traditional. So this weekend I had zereshk polow. I guess that's chicken, rice and barberries basically. It was very tasty and I must research this further because Sweetie served this dish to me with a yogurt sauce on the side. In that yogurt was garlic and mint. Yeah, so that I think pretty much sums up what my life will be like for the next 15 years if this guy sticks around. A strange combination that ends up working but makes you screw your nose up when considering the details too closely.

And for a final rant I would like to discuss early morning Chalie horses. I got one this morning in my calf of course and the mother fucker still hurts. In fact I'm using it as my excuse not to work out and to blog instead. I would like someone to explain this painful phenomena to me please. Because I'm too lazy and too sore to research or truly care myself. Thanks.

I almost forgot...I gave two bucks to a man with a sign on Monday. Cadis you would have had a fit, but I couldn't resist. He had a great cardboard sign which read "I may be ugly but I'm still hungry". I bet he makes a killing!

Dooset daraam...

Well isn't life just a bit too unpredictable?! So my exotic internet flame came down for a visit this weekend. One month ago he was not on the agenda, he wasn't even on my radar. And now suddenly I'm bordering on smitten with a man that sometimes whispers to me in Persian, speaks wildly with his hands and that answers to a name half of my friends can't say. While there were no neti pot demonstrations, it was a very lovely weekend indeed. Never did I think I would be one to participate in very open public displays of affection but there I was on the corner of Broadway and 3rd lip-locked with a man I had technically "just met". And this morning when I left for work and found a note from him under my wipers I could have melted into the sappy romantic pile I generally run screaming from. I'm a fish out of water.

Prior to his arrival I had what I'm considering my epiphany for this year. I sabotage my relationships. Ever since Fuck wit I've chosen to fall madly "in love" with men that I know deep down aren't really right for me. But I make them out to be perfect and trust them right from the beginning...examples - Jason (who has not been mentioned but was basically the Jolly Green Giant from hell for those that don't know), Houdini, and most recently McSteamy. I think this has been my way of avoiding what I went through with Fuck wit and coming to a point where it's no longer about me but about an us. I haven't wanted to give up any control over my life and therefor have fallen for men with an underlying escape route. They leave and I can complain to the world because I did everything right, I opened up, I gave them space...blah blah blah. Then I meet a nice guy and spend countless hours looking for his flaws. Which is what I did with my Persian Prince up until this weekend. So I've decided to get the hell out of my own way and stop looking for a reason not to trust this one. On paper it seems crazy, but when I'm with him I'm comfortable. I'm at home. I don't have the feelings of "Oooh he should be the one because well I really like him". There's no molding or hoping...he just is.

So enough gooshiness. I would now like to acknowledge my first official follower, Kara. That means the rest of you slackers should put an end to your anonymous viewing and get a fucking account already :) I love you though just the same. Thank you Kara and I enjoy your blog a great deal. You're a little ray of sunshine in my blogging world. Ooops guess I'm back to gooshiness.

Welcome to the Jungle...

It's been far too long my pretties. Whether Chico likes it or not, I am here. Unpacked, address changed and work started. I ain't going nowhere. I'm still in the process of getting all of my technological business set up so pictures are delayed at this time. However I do have a point of interest for anyone that may be reading this blog while they should be scheduling power. Check out http://www.plutosfreshfood.com/index.html This is one of many Chico downtown restaurants I am falling in love with (there are a few other locations in CA). My first trip was much like the first time I had sex. I bit scary, plenty of fumbling, lots of miscommunication and occasional use of written instructions. But I managed to come out with a pretty spiffy salad and one huge fucking rice krispy treat. Needless to say I was pleased. Any visitors will likely be forced to dine here with me. Next on the list...Tres hombres.

I'm not really in the mood to write I must admit. I had 8 hours of sitting through orientation today so I'm spent. But look forward to the Eel River Brewery review, Chico facts and insight into my strange dreams featuring many past lovers in the next days.

Neti Pot...

I have a confession to make. I not only own a Neti Pot, I use it on a somewhat regular basis. Now I realize that some of you may not know what I'm talking about, and that is truly a shame. So I have found two splendid Youtube clips* that should clear things right up.

*These clips are not for the squeamish*

Standard Neti demonstration complete with “cool down” exercises.



This clip features the same model of Neti that I own. Kudos to the bearded man for creativity and sheer ballsy-ness. Cream of the Neti crop.



For the record, I look more like the stud in clip two when using my Neti than the pro in clip one. I think I swallowed more than ran out my nose on my first dozen attempts. Yeah I'm a slow learner.

Also, my life is neatly packed into 24-some boxes and I'm ready to roll. Oh yes and I've started a sultry internet love affair with yet another man. It was not on the agenda so I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'll give you details another day if I'm in the mood.

Hired...

That's right kiddies...I got my job in Chico! So in roughly two weeks I will have endless amounts of new blog material to throw at you. Bet you can't wait! I will be accepting visitors in my new home after June 1st. That means you Patty!

Wings...

Well I'm a rather Grumpy Gus these days and I have little to say. But I would like to wallow in one of life's most splendid moments... There is something so delightful about standing in line at Target with panty liners and a home pregnancy test that will not scan. And oh the clerk tried and the men behind me were patient. Finally we had success and I was on my way. Others may have been mortified but I enjoy shit like that. It could only have been improved with a loud speaker price check. Maybe next time... And no worries, I highly doubt I'm pregnant but I've managed to gain 5 pounds almost over night. I refuse to think it could be the excessive beer drinking I did while home. I just like to cover all my bases and make sure I won't need to track down McSteamy anytime soon.

Oh yeah...interview Tuesday.

There's No Place Like Home...

I have returned from the wild west (technically Midwest)! One solid week at home only confirms that there is indeed no place like home. Where else can I enjoy pumpkin pie for breakfast, sleep on a couch following WWIII, rendezvous with a man in camo ten years my senior, and drink my fill everyday all with the glorious knowledge that when the week is up I will click my slippers and land in CA, worry free.

And now to touch on a few items that were brought to my attention while home. For starters, my friends most likely think and in fact know I am crazy. They began to suspect this somewhere between the day I drew eyeliner dicks on their faces while they were passed out and the day I began quoting the Orbitz commercial. This information was further confirmed when I made two very important and hilarious pop culture references that had absolutely no impact on my cronies. Last time I checked we were indeed born within one year of each other and should therefor remember similar key points in our childhoods. But I have always been a bit suspicious of the date on my birth certificate... So just to clear up a those things I have included a few Youtube videos featuring the beloved Peppermint Patty and the Flowbee.

To see the inspiration for my Peppermint Patty mimic and character reference fast forward to 2:55 and watch three or four minutes. If time permits I suggest just watching the whole clip...it's a Charlie Brown classic afterall.



And for the grand finale...43 seconds of Flowbee heaven. My secret is out, and now everyone will know how I get my incredible just thoroughly sexed, tousled mane.

Earth Day and Lift Kits?!

Well I'd like to present a strong case supporting my lack of blog activity...but I've got nothing. I do have a few interesting tid-bits to share in honor of Earth Day (which was Wednesday for those that don't plan to live beyond the next decade). First, a few websites I enjoy:

For the sassy tips available in your inbox

idealbite.com

To learn about sustainable eating

sustainabletable.org

FYI skipping red meat one day a week reduces your food's carbon footprint by roughly 5%...I now have an excuse for shunning beef from time to time despite my beef country background.

And for my Earth Day pledge...which will actually begin when I return from the home lands May 3rd, I will spend the next month buying only items made in the US. My only exception will likely be bananas as, well let's face it, my life would not be complete without them. I've wanted a set of sheets for a few months now and so my task will be to find a set made within our beautiful country. Any and all help is welcomed.

Now for the bitching portion of this blog. I would just like to say a big, fat WTF to all those with lifted vehicles. I'm particularly pissed at those with what I like to call the dumb ass detailing package which comes complete with lifted circa 1980's truck, straight pipes, black choking exhaust and cut-off shirt. A Confederate Flag decal is available for a minimal additional cost. This package is apparently very popular in this area as well as back home and I get to view, smell and hear it in all its glory every day as I run along the highway. I've even considered getting my Bonnie lifted in order to blend with the locals. But alas I did make that Earth Day pledge and will have to wait at least another month to make all my dreams come true.

And for the record folks...despite the double yellow line, I consider it completely acceptable and legal to pull into the next lane in order to give a runner, biker, non-motorized road user a little extra space. This of course only applies if there is no oncoming traffic. Must include such disclaimers for all goobers out there. Thanks and see you on the road soon Joe Dirt.

JJ Cale, Job Hunting & The Great Outdoors...

And so it's been awhile. Top moment of the week - JJ Cale live. An outstanding performance which left me wanting so much more...as in him in my own personal juke box. And in the midst of my euphoria I realized I was sitting next to what may be my future self. She was interesting, not a troll, she was at a concert alone and stoked. She sang along, grooved in her seat and was mostly fabulous. Oh yes, the crowd danced and I missed my girls. We could have shown them what dancing was all about. Though there were some honorable mentions, including the man in the wheelchair. Kudos.

Now I wish I could report job euphoria as well but my interview was a bit of a cluster really. I'll learn of my fate on Tuesday and can not honestly judge which way it will go. Ooooh who ever said patience is a virtue did not live in the middle of nowhere and desperately want to hitch up the wagon and head west (south west actually).

Finally a note to anyone owning a Day Hiker's Guide...when the book says a hike is a "workout" be prepared for a death climb. Today I hoisted my ass up 2.7 miles and 2,200 feet. The views were worth it and I'm sure the other hikers appreciated my sweaty, huffing and puffing, sports bra clad self scaring away the bears. The return 2.7 miles were a bit more pleasant. And I even popped a squat. If you're wondering Matilda...I still have to steady myself on a nearby tree or rock to work it.

PS - I did not see any other solo hikers. Should this tell me something?