Threading, Cow Palace and Spanx?!...

So, as previously mentioned multiple times...I'm a slacker. I've been living large in more ways than one here in sunny CA. Which brings me to my first and most recent shopping adventure. I'm in two weddings in the next year and well I pretty much do not fit into any mass produced dress pattern (also previously mentioned). So I have decided that the only logical and economical solution is Spanx...or some knock-off variety. Today I scoured the internet looking for the perfect sausage casing to wear under my bridesmaid dresses. The next step will be to venture out and actually try some on before settling on a model and then outbidding some 40 + year old woman on Ebay. The thought of this leaves me in a cold sweat. And just a quick question...should I be put off by that fact that I most likely require a Large girdle to be less large? I say bring on the cheesecake.

I've been spending a bit of time in the Bay Area. Sadly in all my glory I've taken but one picture. And I only managed this so that Patty and Cadis Fly could truly appreciate the beauty of the Corn Palace back home. Google this if you want more details, I guess it's kind of a big deal.

Now on to threading. If you have no clue what I'm talking about let me just say that I think threading could give water boarding a run for it's money as most popular torture method. Despite the following video's claim of painless hair removal I was most definitely in pain following my eyebrow styling. But alas...I plan to continue. Princy Pooh has even generously volunteered his mother to teach me to do my own and I do think he may have even offered to do mine for me. That's some serious bondage...bonding.

Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threading_(epilation)

Oh yeah, one more important fact. I've decided to betray my generation and refuse to text message.

Wish me luck.

Facebook: Where Social Networking & Stalking Align...

Quick blast from the past:

Background - Roughly 5 or 6 months ago it came to my attention via Facebook that Houdini was dating. She was my age, smoked and worked for the same company as Houdini (I only mention smoking because he was adamantly against it). After further investigative efforts I discovered she had at one point been married. It was unclear if she was divorced or merely stepping out while dating Houdini. But I was polite and wished him luck.

Current - Houdini was suddenly listed as single. Again after further investigative efforts I found that he felt "Betrayed" (Thank you Myspace) and that she was five months pregnant (Again, thank you Myspace) with a baby girl. So using my insane reasoning skills I have determined that Houdini was dating a girl for the past 5 or so months that was pregnant all along with a child that is not his. I'll take shopping over this Jerry Springer episode any day!

The Motherhood...

Yesterday I had the divine pleasure of shopping. Yes that statement is dripping with sarcasm. Perhaps I have faulty DNA but as a woman I loathe shopping for anything but purses and linen. It has been my experience that most stores geared at 20 somethings present clothes that are either ridiculously "trendy" trashy or cater only to very compact bodies. I prefer to be none of the previously listed. Which then places me in stores carrying fashions more appropriate for my mother. So while I wandered the mall yesterday in dismay it came to my attention that there is one store which carries body conscience, cute clothes...The Motherhood! That's right, I see things I like better than any Hollister or Wet Seal garb at a maternity store. Something is very wrong with this fact and I don't think it's me. So my next goal is to contact the Motherhood peeps and convince them to create a line that does not have stretch panel tummies and breast-feeding friendly tops just for me.

Interesting note...when griping to Princey Pooh (who had spent the day and roughly $300 casually shopping for a few items) he said, "I don't understand what you mean. How can they not have clothes that fit your body? I would say you're a pretty standard average* woman." BINGO Princey, standard average while by definition should include large masses (of people not weight) is apparently not trendy, trashy or compact, and hence unworthy of its own clothing line. Also just a quick post-it to the Barbie next to me at the gym. While I applaud any and all for working out, don't look at me in disgust as I sweat through miles on the treadmill when you sashay in wearing butt-skimming terry cloth shorts, a wife beater and your Malibu blonde hair DOWN to use the elliptical. Not sure what you plan to accomplish in that outfit but I'm not thinking sweating is on your agenda. Faulty DNA to blame again?!

* I happen to be 5'4 and 140 to 145 pounds. According to multiple sources, the average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 to 150 pounds and a wears a size 14. Certainly not Abercrombie material so WTF?!