A Few of My Favorite Things...

I'm currently hulled up in SF and have managed to wake up in the same outfit that I fell asleep in all week. So apparently my previous post was just a fluke - mystery solved and I still have no excuse for highschool. Anyway, I wanted to share yet another of my favorite commercials which never fails me when I need a smile.

Also I would like to take a moment to share with you my disgust for bulk buying stores such as Costco and Sam's Club. Princy Pooh lured me there last night under the ruse of "grocery shopping". $109 later we had enough salmon and chicken breast to last until the end of time. Which will be a painfully long and hungry span for me as I don't really care for either item. We also have a month's supply of yogurt, tomatoes and mushrooms. What the fuck am I supposed to make with that?! Anyway, I'm over it now I guess. He's on his own for meal ideas the rest of the week. I just wanted some fucking enchilada sauce.

Other points of interest...I'm one step closer to sucking it up and car shopping. I'm switching banks this week so I can get a better interest rate and then I'll be sending Princy Pooh in to do some heavy duty negotiating. I was instructed that during this process I'm to say I'm a student and so is he. I had no idea there would be role playing involved, but I'll go along with it for now.

Finally happy birthday to Ms. Patty Pants. Hope you had wonderful time at the game.

Things That Go Bump in the Night...

Strange thing happened to me just the other night. I was visiting Princy Pooh in the Bay and I often sleep like a log while there. Well I went to sleep like usual wearing a nightie but I woke up very much naked. At first I thought nothing of this (I do occasionally sleep a bit naked) until I realized that my nightie was tossed across the living room. I immediately accused Princy Pooh of funny business and scolded him for not doing a better job and actually waking me up. But he denied it and confirmed that yes, as far as he could remember I had come to bed fully clothed. And so it remains a mystery. I'll be going back to see him on Tuesday so we'll see if it's a developing trend. I secretly suspect that I've had this problem - sleepwalking stripteases- for a very long time and that it accounts for some of the less than desirable lovers I've encountered over the years. I simply fell asleep minding my own business and boom. Much like the girls that "accidentally" have sex with people. Anyway, no matter at this point. I just better make sure Princy locks the doors and windows at night so I don't escape.

Weighing in...

Lately I've been spending a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of owning a scale (pardon the pun). And I've come to the conclusion that there is really no benefit. Other than weighing my luggage prior to flying, the scale mostly exists to piss me off and ruin at least one day of each of my weeks. So I'm considering a bit of a challenge...I will not weigh myself for the rest of the year. Hell if that goes well then maybe I'll just never weigh myself. As someone that has made a habit of weekly weigh-ins for many years (fucking American culture) this may be a bit tough. I imagine though that after a month of panic and then the realization that my clothes still fit and that I will never weigh significantly less or more, I may indeed find peace. For the record I own two scales and often like to play them against one another. Anyway, don't be surprised if you get scales in the mail for X-mas Cadis and Patty...

Now for an IUD update. I have been approved by my insurance to the tune of $439.40. That's a $25o deductible and 20%. But considering my birth control runs $120 for three months, I consider 5 years at $439.40 an absolute steal. Now I just have to survive the insertion in December. Merry X-mas me...

And finally I would just like to bitch about car maintenance. This week has cost me 750 big ones in car repair for my 2001 Bonnie. Hardly worth it. And while I was making every effort to survive with that fine automobile until I could save up to pay cash for my next ride...I think I may have to fold soon. I'm looking at options now and plan to send Princy Pooh in to secure the best deal possible for me (he's ruthless, learned to bargain in the alleys of Tehran you know). I'm currently researching the Honda Fit... So should someone have ample time while working nights, feel free to search that and similar cars. Well tonight is officially 4 months with Princy Pooh so I must now prep for our date.

Oh and one last thing...I buckled to yet more pressure today and had my upper lip threaded. The last three times the lovely women providing my fine eyebrow sculpting had tried to tempt me with the upper lip. But as a fair skinned blondie I thought there was simply no need. I was pushed over the edge today though when the girl said, "There's really quite a bit of hair there you know. Just look." Guerrilla sales tactics. Kicking me while I'm fat (at least I think), broke, and already teary eyed from my brows.

PS it's 73 here in the south Bay...how's that fine weather back home??

Sound Check...

Well I truly wanted to blog everyday since Thursday, but I've been bed bound since my tragic IUD fitting. Ok I'm being a bit dramatic but let me just say it hurt. Can I get some lidocaine please all up in there?! Anyway I'll spare you the super gory details and leave it at it hurt, much like a extreme and life-threatening 30 second cramp. Apparently I have a very tight os. Yes that's one you don't hear everyday. And I'm not entirely sure if that's a compliment or not. But according to the good doc I "sound" at 7.5 and can indeed have my IUD. I plan to give myself a good two to three months to forget the "sounding" pain prior to signing up for insertion pain. Princy Pooh has agreed to go with me to the next appointment though. I think there'll be some 10 am ice cream and Fat Tires following that appointment.

Tonight I'm attempting to make a dish I've christened Mexican Lasagna. I shall cut tortilla's into strips. Make a mixture of cheese, cottage cheese, salsa and enchilada sauce to layer with chicken chunks between said tortilla strips and then bake the mess for some undetermined time at some magic temperature and see what I get in the end. I hope Princy Pooh isn't too hungry tonight...

And after much debate Princy Pooh and I have decided to postpone our trip to Canada to meet his folks until March during the Persian New Year. Mmmm Canada in March, sounds lovely no? I'm told there are some pretty amazing pastries involved in the Persian New Year though so I'm pretty excited about the whole deal. It does involve a red eye flight after which I will meet my potential in-laws. I'm also equally excited about that part. That's it for now koochooloos. Oh and you're more than welcome to send care packages in anticipation of my medical procedure :)

Thought I'd also add a music video in honor of my upcoming trip. I can understand maybe three words...better step up my language lessons.

Shopping Hell & Fornication...

Well I survived the big wedding and the Spanx (though I do think I came close to puncturing a lung on some misbehaving underwire while shaking it to Love Shack.) I did receive a fair amount of grief for my lack of blogging so here you girlies go.

Wedding Breakdown:

It was a nice wedding, I enjoyed myself. Best of all, the wedding gave me a chance to get my priorities straight as far as wedding bliss is concerned. Basically, I won't be having one...at least not a traditional one, or one that happens in the good ol' U S of A. Princy Pooh and I have already pinky sweared on the details.

Top Wedding Moments:

1) Cowdog (apparently he is a person and not just a book character that also answers to Hank)

2) Mommy Dearest's "Oh who dates these days anyway, you all just sleep together right?!"

3) Being served a pint at a local pub by a pregnant past classmate wearing a kilt.

999999) Running into Camo Man (see the details of my last voyage home if confused) while helping the bride to be pickup the tux's. (I could have done without this one)

Also, I will be going to the doctor on Thursday to do a bit of research...my latest obsession is IUD's. I'm convinced it is the best choice for birth control for the modern women. Apparently I have to be "measured" before I can have one inserted. I'm not entirely sure what this entails but I have a pretty graphic mental picture started. I'll get back to you all on that one.

Also, no blog is complete without a bitch session. So here goes...I just want a pair of jeans that fit. Is my ass really that out of this world that no company can manage to create jeans with appropriate proportions? I have even attempted to buy jeans from L.L fucking Bean. I give up! Kudos to Princy Pooh for listening to me bawl and swear like a sailor for five minutes after trying on said L.L Bean jeans. Perhaps I'm a touch hormonal right now as well.

I'll leave you now with a gift just for Cadis. I'll send you it as an email so you can print it out for your fridge. You're a stronger woman than I Ms. Cadis.

Spanx My Ass...Please!

Alright Cookies, while Cadis had the pleasure of hearing the latest update only minutes after the occurrence, the rest of you are very VERY behind. I had a brush with death this weekend. You see...my spiffy new Spanx (Body Wrap Lites to be exact, not brand name Spanx but...) arrived while Princy Pooh was here for a visit. I carefully removed them from their packaging while I thought he was busy showering and grooming. Unfortunately he walked out and so innocently asked "What it that?!" After a brief explanation that included my fear of clinging fabric he said "Try it on, I don't get it". As previously mentioned I ordered a large (see photo below for laugh). While I hesitated to try on the sausage casing in my still very new boyfriend's presence I also worried that if I tried it on alone I might get stuck. Then what?! So with his help (there was absolutely no way I could get that bastard on alone) I made it into my girdle. Fine quotes from Princy Pooh included, "Ok now put your boobs where they go, wait, where are your boobs?" said as he tugged at the bottom of the slip from my hips and "You think what happens to women in my country is inhumane?!" I had no better luck getting out of the contraption. I even considered filming the spectacle but I thought I'd leave something to your well working imaginations. So to Kara I say...are you sure about those 8 pairs of Spanx over threading? I think I'll opt for the best brows in the wedding party and forget about my flab.

It must be noted that this is the garment post try on. It was half that size before it's tangle with my ass.

Threading, Cow Palace and Spanx?!...

So, as previously mentioned multiple times...I'm a slacker. I've been living large in more ways than one here in sunny CA. Which brings me to my first and most recent shopping adventure. I'm in two weddings in the next year and well I pretty much do not fit into any mass produced dress pattern (also previously mentioned). So I have decided that the only logical and economical solution is Spanx...or some knock-off variety. Today I scoured the internet looking for the perfect sausage casing to wear under my bridesmaid dresses. The next step will be to venture out and actually try some on before settling on a model and then outbidding some 40 + year old woman on Ebay. The thought of this leaves me in a cold sweat. And just a quick question...should I be put off by that fact that I most likely require a Large girdle to be less large? I say bring on the cheesecake.

I've been spending a bit of time in the Bay Area. Sadly in all my glory I've taken but one picture. And I only managed this so that Patty and Cadis Fly could truly appreciate the beauty of the Corn Palace back home. Google this if you want more details, I guess it's kind of a big deal.

Now on to threading. If you have no clue what I'm talking about let me just say that I think threading could give water boarding a run for it's money as most popular torture method. Despite the following video's claim of painless hair removal I was most definitely in pain following my eyebrow styling. But alas...I plan to continue. Princy Pooh has even generously volunteered his mother to teach me to do my own and I do think he may have even offered to do mine for me. That's some serious bondage...bonding.

Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threading_(epilation)

Oh yeah, one more important fact. I've decided to betray my generation and refuse to text message.

Wish me luck.

Facebook: Where Social Networking & Stalking Align...

Quick blast from the past:

Background - Roughly 5 or 6 months ago it came to my attention via Facebook that Houdini was dating. She was my age, smoked and worked for the same company as Houdini (I only mention smoking because he was adamantly against it). After further investigative efforts I discovered she had at one point been married. It was unclear if she was divorced or merely stepping out while dating Houdini. But I was polite and wished him luck.

Current - Houdini was suddenly listed as single. Again after further investigative efforts I found that he felt "Betrayed" (Thank you Myspace) and that she was five months pregnant (Again, thank you Myspace) with a baby girl. So using my insane reasoning skills I have determined that Houdini was dating a girl for the past 5 or so months that was pregnant all along with a child that is not his. I'll take shopping over this Jerry Springer episode any day!

The Motherhood...

Yesterday I had the divine pleasure of shopping. Yes that statement is dripping with sarcasm. Perhaps I have faulty DNA but as a woman I loathe shopping for anything but purses and linen. It has been my experience that most stores geared at 20 somethings present clothes that are either ridiculously "trendy" trashy or cater only to very compact bodies. I prefer to be none of the previously listed. Which then places me in stores carrying fashions more appropriate for my mother. So while I wandered the mall yesterday in dismay it came to my attention that there is one store which carries body conscience, cute clothes...The Motherhood! That's right, I see things I like better than any Hollister or Wet Seal garb at a maternity store. Something is very wrong with this fact and I don't think it's me. So my next goal is to contact the Motherhood peeps and convince them to create a line that does not have stretch panel tummies and breast-feeding friendly tops just for me.

Interesting note...when griping to Princey Pooh (who had spent the day and roughly $300 casually shopping for a few items) he said, "I don't understand what you mean. How can they not have clothes that fit your body? I would say you're a pretty standard average* woman." BINGO Princey, standard average while by definition should include large masses (of people not weight) is apparently not trendy, trashy or compact, and hence unworthy of its own clothing line. Also just a quick post-it to the Barbie next to me at the gym. While I applaud any and all for working out, don't look at me in disgust as I sweat through miles on the treadmill when you sashay in wearing butt-skimming terry cloth shorts, a wife beater and your Malibu blonde hair DOWN to use the elliptical. Not sure what you plan to accomplish in that outfit but I'm not thinking sweating is on your agenda. Faulty DNA to blame again?!

* I happen to be 5'4 and 140 to 145 pounds. According to multiple sources, the average American woman is 5'4, weighs 140 to 150 pounds and a wears a size 14. Certainly not Abercrombie material so WTF?!

Confessions, Speed Limits & Topless Chicoians...

You all know I've been a lazy little blogster as of late. Multiple excuses exist including love. But enough of that. I've got some important issues that must be discussed right here, right now. So let's begin...Today I had lunch with Hairplugs. This was a casual and friendly lunch, certainly not a romantic thing. And I realized while eating at his favorite La Comida (I wasn't impressed), there is a damn good reason I'm with Princey Pooh and not Hairplugs or some other schmuck. While Hairplugs is nice enough there is absolutely no chemistry. And he's not changed a bit despite his months of working on himself. Still vain, but who am I to talk I suppose? I do have a blog afterall. Now here is where the confession comes in...I spent an hour with him and did not find any way to check out his head to see how the hairplugs took root. So sadly I have no updates on that front. My apologies loyal readers.

Next I would like all of you to take a minute and ponder parking lot speed limits. While circling Target's poorly designed lot today I noticed the posted 5mph limit. Does anyone adhere to this limit? Is it truly necessary? And further more, can one actually be pulled over for driving say 7 mph? I would think as responsible adults we could manage in a parking lot without a posted speed limit. Also, who exactly determines the ideal speed we should be driving?

Last but not least a note to all topless Chicoians in my apartment complex. While I am completely for nudity and practice it on a regular basis I do not think that gives all of you the license to saunter around with your tops off. I don't care how hot it is today, overall it's really not a good look for most, me included. Thus I keep my nudity contained within my own home and an occasional music festival. Please do your part to keep Chico beautiful and do the same.

Frequent Flyer...

WTF...I'm going to Seattle AGAIN this weekend. I leave tomorrow night. I'm in love, crazy or a bit of both. I don't see myself saving any money anytime soon. I do plan to look into some frequent flyer programs however :)

Garlic, Yogurt, and Mint...

I'm a bit focused lately on my new "love". As a result the blog is lacking anything of substance but oh well...you don't have to read it. So just an update. I spent the past weekend in Seattle visiting Princey Pooh. He'll be finishing his move to CA very soon and I can't wait. In the meantime I have started a ridiculous task...learning Persian or Farsi. Whichever you prefer. So far I can say "I am Missy May, and you?" "How are you?" "I am good." and I can count to ten. I would have to check with blast from the past Spencer to be sure but I think this qualifies as "on fire."

Now I would like to post a warning about international dating. An open mind and strong stomach are a must. Sweet man cooks, but it's traditional and not mac n' cheese traditional. So this weekend I had zereshk polow. I guess that's chicken, rice and barberries basically. It was very tasty and I must research this further because Sweetie served this dish to me with a yogurt sauce on the side. In that yogurt was garlic and mint. Yeah, so that I think pretty much sums up what my life will be like for the next 15 years if this guy sticks around. A strange combination that ends up working but makes you screw your nose up when considering the details too closely.

And for a final rant I would like to discuss early morning Chalie horses. I got one this morning in my calf of course and the mother fucker still hurts. In fact I'm using it as my excuse not to work out and to blog instead. I would like someone to explain this painful phenomena to me please. Because I'm too lazy and too sore to research or truly care myself. Thanks.

I almost forgot...I gave two bucks to a man with a sign on Monday. Cadis you would have had a fit, but I couldn't resist. He had a great cardboard sign which read "I may be ugly but I'm still hungry". I bet he makes a killing!

Dooset daraam...

Well isn't life just a bit too unpredictable?! So my exotic internet flame came down for a visit this weekend. One month ago he was not on the agenda, he wasn't even on my radar. And now suddenly I'm bordering on smitten with a man that sometimes whispers to me in Persian, speaks wildly with his hands and that answers to a name half of my friends can't say. While there were no neti pot demonstrations, it was a very lovely weekend indeed. Never did I think I would be one to participate in very open public displays of affection but there I was on the corner of Broadway and 3rd lip-locked with a man I had technically "just met". And this morning when I left for work and found a note from him under my wipers I could have melted into the sappy romantic pile I generally run screaming from. I'm a fish out of water.

Prior to his arrival I had what I'm considering my epiphany for this year. I sabotage my relationships. Ever since Fuck wit I've chosen to fall madly "in love" with men that I know deep down aren't really right for me. But I make them out to be perfect and trust them right from the beginning...examples - Jason (who has not been mentioned but was basically the Jolly Green Giant from hell for those that don't know), Houdini, and most recently McSteamy. I think this has been my way of avoiding what I went through with Fuck wit and coming to a point where it's no longer about me but about an us. I haven't wanted to give up any control over my life and therefor have fallen for men with an underlying escape route. They leave and I can complain to the world because I did everything right, I opened up, I gave them space...blah blah blah. Then I meet a nice guy and spend countless hours looking for his flaws. Which is what I did with my Persian Prince up until this weekend. So I've decided to get the hell out of my own way and stop looking for a reason not to trust this one. On paper it seems crazy, but when I'm with him I'm comfortable. I'm at home. I don't have the feelings of "Oooh he should be the one because well I really like him". There's no molding or hoping...he just is.

So enough gooshiness. I would now like to acknowledge my first official follower, Kara. That means the rest of you slackers should put an end to your anonymous viewing and get a fucking account already :) I love you though just the same. Thank you Kara and I enjoy your blog a great deal. You're a little ray of sunshine in my blogging world. Ooops guess I'm back to gooshiness.

Welcome to the Jungle...

It's been far too long my pretties. Whether Chico likes it or not, I am here. Unpacked, address changed and work started. I ain't going nowhere. I'm still in the process of getting all of my technological business set up so pictures are delayed at this time. However I do have a point of interest for anyone that may be reading this blog while they should be scheduling power. Check out http://www.plutosfreshfood.com/index.html This is one of many Chico downtown restaurants I am falling in love with (there are a few other locations in CA). My first trip was much like the first time I had sex. I bit scary, plenty of fumbling, lots of miscommunication and occasional use of written instructions. But I managed to come out with a pretty spiffy salad and one huge fucking rice krispy treat. Needless to say I was pleased. Any visitors will likely be forced to dine here with me. Next on the list...Tres hombres.

I'm not really in the mood to write I must admit. I had 8 hours of sitting through orientation today so I'm spent. But look forward to the Eel River Brewery review, Chico facts and insight into my strange dreams featuring many past lovers in the next days.

Neti Pot...

I have a confession to make. I not only own a Neti Pot, I use it on a somewhat regular basis. Now I realize that some of you may not know what I'm talking about, and that is truly a shame. So I have found two splendid Youtube clips* that should clear things right up.

*These clips are not for the squeamish*

Standard Neti demonstration complete with “cool down” exercises.



This clip features the same model of Neti that I own. Kudos to the bearded man for creativity and sheer ballsy-ness. Cream of the Neti crop.



For the record, I look more like the stud in clip two when using my Neti than the pro in clip one. I think I swallowed more than ran out my nose on my first dozen attempts. Yeah I'm a slow learner.

Also, my life is neatly packed into 24-some boxes and I'm ready to roll. Oh yes and I've started a sultry internet love affair with yet another man. It was not on the agenda so I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'll give you details another day if I'm in the mood.

Hired...

That's right kiddies...I got my job in Chico! So in roughly two weeks I will have endless amounts of new blog material to throw at you. Bet you can't wait! I will be accepting visitors in my new home after June 1st. That means you Patty!

Wings...

Well I'm a rather Grumpy Gus these days and I have little to say. But I would like to wallow in one of life's most splendid moments... There is something so delightful about standing in line at Target with panty liners and a home pregnancy test that will not scan. And oh the clerk tried and the men behind me were patient. Finally we had success and I was on my way. Others may have been mortified but I enjoy shit like that. It could only have been improved with a loud speaker price check. Maybe next time... And no worries, I highly doubt I'm pregnant but I've managed to gain 5 pounds almost over night. I refuse to think it could be the excessive beer drinking I did while home. I just like to cover all my bases and make sure I won't need to track down McSteamy anytime soon.

Oh yeah...interview Tuesday.

There's No Place Like Home...

I have returned from the wild west (technically Midwest)! One solid week at home only confirms that there is indeed no place like home. Where else can I enjoy pumpkin pie for breakfast, sleep on a couch following WWIII, rendezvous with a man in camo ten years my senior, and drink my fill everyday all with the glorious knowledge that when the week is up I will click my slippers and land in CA, worry free.

And now to touch on a few items that were brought to my attention while home. For starters, my friends most likely think and in fact know I am crazy. They began to suspect this somewhere between the day I drew eyeliner dicks on their faces while they were passed out and the day I began quoting the Orbitz commercial. This information was further confirmed when I made two very important and hilarious pop culture references that had absolutely no impact on my cronies. Last time I checked we were indeed born within one year of each other and should therefor remember similar key points in our childhoods. But I have always been a bit suspicious of the date on my birth certificate... So just to clear up a those things I have included a few Youtube videos featuring the beloved Peppermint Patty and the Flowbee.

To see the inspiration for my Peppermint Patty mimic and character reference fast forward to 2:55 and watch three or four minutes. If time permits I suggest just watching the whole clip...it's a Charlie Brown classic afterall.



And for the grand finale...43 seconds of Flowbee heaven. My secret is out, and now everyone will know how I get my incredible just thoroughly sexed, tousled mane.

Earth Day and Lift Kits?!

Well I'd like to present a strong case supporting my lack of blog activity...but I've got nothing. I do have a few interesting tid-bits to share in honor of Earth Day (which was Wednesday for those that don't plan to live beyond the next decade). First, a few websites I enjoy:

For the sassy tips available in your inbox

idealbite.com

To learn about sustainable eating

sustainabletable.org

FYI skipping red meat one day a week reduces your food's carbon footprint by roughly 5%...I now have an excuse for shunning beef from time to time despite my beef country background.

And for my Earth Day pledge...which will actually begin when I return from the home lands May 3rd, I will spend the next month buying only items made in the US. My only exception will likely be bananas as, well let's face it, my life would not be complete without them. I've wanted a set of sheets for a few months now and so my task will be to find a set made within our beautiful country. Any and all help is welcomed.

Now for the bitching portion of this blog. I would just like to say a big, fat WTF to all those with lifted vehicles. I'm particularly pissed at those with what I like to call the dumb ass detailing package which comes complete with lifted circa 1980's truck, straight pipes, black choking exhaust and cut-off shirt. A Confederate Flag decal is available for a minimal additional cost. This package is apparently very popular in this area as well as back home and I get to view, smell and hear it in all its glory every day as I run along the highway. I've even considered getting my Bonnie lifted in order to blend with the locals. But alas I did make that Earth Day pledge and will have to wait at least another month to make all my dreams come true.

And for the record folks...despite the double yellow line, I consider it completely acceptable and legal to pull into the next lane in order to give a runner, biker, non-motorized road user a little extra space. This of course only applies if there is no oncoming traffic. Must include such disclaimers for all goobers out there. Thanks and see you on the road soon Joe Dirt.

JJ Cale, Job Hunting & The Great Outdoors...

And so it's been awhile. Top moment of the week - JJ Cale live. An outstanding performance which left me wanting so much more...as in him in my own personal juke box. And in the midst of my euphoria I realized I was sitting next to what may be my future self. She was interesting, not a troll, she was at a concert alone and stoked. She sang along, grooved in her seat and was mostly fabulous. Oh yes, the crowd danced and I missed my girls. We could have shown them what dancing was all about. Though there were some honorable mentions, including the man in the wheelchair. Kudos.

Now I wish I could report job euphoria as well but my interview was a bit of a cluster really. I'll learn of my fate on Tuesday and can not honestly judge which way it will go. Ooooh who ever said patience is a virtue did not live in the middle of nowhere and desperately want to hitch up the wagon and head west (south west actually).

Finally a note to anyone owning a Day Hiker's Guide...when the book says a hike is a "workout" be prepared for a death climb. Today I hoisted my ass up 2.7 miles and 2,200 feet. The views were worth it and I'm sure the other hikers appreciated my sweaty, huffing and puffing, sports bra clad self scaring away the bears. The return 2.7 miles were a bit more pleasant. And I even popped a squat. If you're wondering Matilda...I still have to steady myself on a nearby tree or rock to work it.

PS - I did not see any other solo hikers. Should this tell me something?

This and That...

Well I have nothing too earth shattering to say today. I guess I've been trying to fly under the radar and get things in order in case I get to make the big move next month. Which would be delightful and provide tons of new blog/adventure material. Yes it is indeed time for me to ramble on.

And so to fill the space I shall comment about some interesting characters I witnessed yesterday. People that just make me smile...or shake my head First the teenage couple kissing and groping one another while thumbing through a Kama Sutra book at Barnes & Noble. Yes, I was standing three feet from them looking at diet books and I was there first. So wrong and lovely was this scene. To be 17 again...you couldn't pay me enough. Next the random old man in the white mini van rocking out to The Who on volume loud with some small children in the car. He was still jamming when I left the grocery store and the van was pulsating. That pretty much sums up my day really. I spent the rest in a haze. Oh yeah and I made a Life List. I'll maybe talk about that another time. I'm feeling a bit mysterious now though.

Quick Update...

Received a lovely form rejection letter from Redding today. Amazing as I just applied late on Friday and the letter was dated on Monday. Oh yes, even more amazing the website claimed to have been updated on the 1st (this was yesterday) showing no jobs available but the jobs were most certainly there on the 3rd when I applied and even on the 6th and 7th. Oh well. Guess I missed out on Redding. Which brings up an interesting thought for me. Perhaps Redding isn't meant to be... I've casually looked for jobs there for a year with no great luck. Hairplugs would most definitely agree with me on this one.

But don't fret just yet. I applied to three jobs in Chico yesterday before work. One, as I found out today via email, has already been filled. Too slow again! But I did receive a call this morning to interview next week for one of the other positions. I'm hopeful. And it would most likely be days! I'm not sure I know how to function with the rest of the world anymore. I'll keep you posted.

New Love...

Slow your roll...I'm talking about love of a material item, not a man. But if things continue as they did today, I may consider replacing all men in my life with running. My latest love is for my new spiffy kicks. Thank you Brooks and the nice people of Fleet Feet for outfitting me in this spectacular pair of running shoes. Despite the chilly evening I had a perfect run...who needs sex when I can sweat, huff and puff and strain every muscle in my body while hitting the pavement. OK I won't go that far! And so the Brooks Adrenalines get two thumbs up.

Also I would like to salute the man sporting the Hawaiian shirt and cramming his trash into my neighbors cans. I thought I was the only one to crawl on top of the can and jump, but you've taken it to the next level. Hell it's not even your trash can! Bravo. Had I been quicker and a bit more sneaky I would have snagged some photos for all of you loyal readers.

Manly...

I have long suspected the fact I'm about to share and confirmed it today during my run at high noon in California heat. I sweat like a man. This is no mere healthy glow I'm sporting. Yep. That's all for today. Now to wring myself out.

Pickle You Kumquat...

Once every year or so a truly great commercial will air...unfortunately, the masses never see this commercial. Hence when I make references to this commercial say when leaving a voicemail, the humor is lost. And frankly I'm a little bit pissed about this. So before reading any further, it is imperative that you watch this mere 30 second clip in order to better understand my outlook on life.



Now that is priceless!

Carrying on. I had a lunch "date" today with one of my suitors mentioned in previous posts which I had hoped to keep as only a friend. Well T as I shall call him, came to the date with a gift...cheesecake. Now a single slice would maybe make sense, but then I wouldn't be associating with someone that does anything remotely sensible now would I? No no, today on my date I was the lucky recipient of an entire pumpkin cheesecake. While I had mentioned I loved pumpkin pie and cheesecake, I never once said I would like to eat 10 slices of their love child. Adding insult to injury, when parting T attempted an awkward kiss which mostly landed on my nose. Fuck...now I'm faced with a new kind of dilemma. I must tell T I'm not romantically interested and risk losing what could have been a great buddy. Why is it the men I have no romantic interest in flock to me and shower me with gifts. Unfortunately none of you back home will benefit from the cheesecake as you did the panties...I know Cadis Fly is wearing a sexy little pair of skull and cross bone panties at this very moment.

And finally I would like to recommend a book or two. Catch 22 has made its way onto my top 10 list. I have laughed out loud in nearly every chapter. It's outrageous and worth two reads. Next, Tuesdays With Morrie. I'm currently listening to it on CD and have one hour left. I haven't cried yet but it's been close. The theories on life and culture Morrie presents should be broadcast. Read with an open mind and heart and don't be afraid to take notes. Finally Kiss Me, I'm Single - an ode to the solo life. Even if not single I think this book should be read by all women. I have read it twice and refer to certain pages from time to time for knowledge and guidance. For instance:

"The purpose of life is not to find one perfect, all-encompassing mate. It is not to mindlessly have babies. It is not to gain notoriety or fame or fortune. The purpose of life is to find that place inside yourself where you can remain peaceful and optimistic no matter what the outside world throws your way." - Amanda Ford

Ok so maybe I'm on a "self-help" kick. Who knows?! Just let me know if you want to borrow any of them! Now where can I get whip cream at 11 pm in the middle of nowhere...

Back To School...

Mexico brought about many intriguing questions and as promised I shall now begin answering them...or attempting. The questions varied from "Why is everything so yellow?" to "What's the skinny on Catholic marriages?" I have decided to start with Catholic marriages. So here is what I know so far. Catholic marriages are long! I'm pretty sure you kneel at some point if not many points. You usually have to attend classes to be wed in the Catholic church. And apparently you need to present a certificate from your baptism if you weren't baptised in that particular church or the Catholic faith. This is all heresay of course. Oh yes I almost forgot...NO BIRTH CONTROL. Based on this information I don't see myself converting anytime soon.

BUT...now for Google. Well this isn't going as planned. I've now been Googling for 30 minutes and I'm losing steam. So here are a few links of interest:

Catholic Wedding Checklist

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-budget/articles/catholic-wedding-ceremony-checklist.aspx

Frequently Asked Questions

http://www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/marriagefaqs.shtml

Salute To a Sister - Perhaps I can donate some $$ to her cause...

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/03/05/catholic_college_bars_students_free_condoms/

Well that was all rather disappointing but I've done my duty for the day. Now to tackle life's greatest question...What's for dinner?!

Double Dose...

Today is indeed a special day...two entries! I just needed a minute to vent and toss a random question into the wind. Why is it that I tend to lose things in the process of dating? Sure I've lost a pair of panties here and there and maybe some earings. No big deal...but things I have lost in the past and am currently pissed about still. Super Troopers, flannel sheets and most recently, Dharma Bums. So McSteamy, should you ever stumble across this blog or just pull your head out of your lovely ass, please give me a call to arrange a pick up time for my book. I am not convinced you are worthy of my Kerouac. So there you have it, dating is dangerous. I probably should start labeling everything - panties, books, nothing is off limits.

Note to self - Price check label maker at work tonight...

Hunting...

And so it begins...my job hunt. I made a deal with myself before leaving to Mexico that upon my return I would begin a very serious and focused job hunt and ultimately an escape plan from the middle of nowhere. So here is the plan just so we're all on the same page. I have three weeks until I fly home and during that time frame Redding is my main focus. I applied today for two jobs that were actually posted. If in approximately a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I will follow up and then call the remaining hospital to ask about the possibility of jobs that may not be posted. If I am still jobless by the time I prepare to travel home, I will apply in Chico. There are currently jobs there I am interested in and I will likely keep an eye on them over the next three weeks on the off chance I decide to bump my timeline up a bit. So now we are all thinking alike and can send good vibes my way. I'd really like the ER position if you can focus your energy there please. Now off to my current job...

PS: I know my two favorite stalkers get bored from time to time so please Google Redding and Chico and leave a comment with your vote for my next home. Thanks dearies.

Mexico Review

Well I survived Mexico and am ready to start planning my next trip! Basically, I'm hooked. While I may not have drank Mexico dry, I did my best. And now for the...

Top Ten Mexico Moments

1. "I haven't puked in 3 years!" Squealed by Cadis Fly after doubling over in the planter outside our room.
2. "Ok but make it with like all champagne and no orange juice." Cadis Fly to bartender. This most likely lead to moment number one.
3. Spending the week as Mr. & Mrs. McDonald. No relation to Ronald of course.
4. Bath tubs with a view...into the rest of the hotel room. Kinky.
5. Strange motion activated/timer operated overhead light. Provided endless fascination and disgust.
6. Sneaky lizard living in our room.
7. Boat ride to Isla Mujeres. Complete with tequila shots, cleavage, dicks and entertainment. Oh yeah there was a swing too. What a day!
8. My trip out of the van to Isla Mujeres. I landed it though with grace and class.
9. The endless array of sunburns. You all should have listened to Mario...
10. Puerto Morelos

Many questions were raised while exploring Mexico and I plan to address these as time and my memory allow. Which should be sometime on Saturday :)

Tea For Two...

Thought I'd sneak in one more post before I leave the country for some sun, sand, and likely copious amounts of alcohol. While my few but dedicated groupies already know the details, I am obligated to post for the silent creepers out there. Today was my coffee date with one of the last suitors I will be seeing from Match. While it wasn't an instant connection like I felt with McSteamy, I will be seeing him again. Afterall, the man did live in Japan for a year...and he now lives with his parents. Should be an interesting second date.

Now for a few random thoughts. Tomorrow I will be up early enough to eat breakfast at a local restaurant. I will pause now to enhance the shock factor____________. Also my new favorite song just happens to be Love Minus Zero ala Bob Dylan. Worth checking out. And to anyone that may actually read this mess, please note the peas & carrots section. I would be delighted to see someone listed under the heading. Though I do enjoy guessing which of my fearless followers commented (my odds are pretty good).

My Show Has Been Cancelled...

Alright, while I know my journey back into online dating has been fascinating, I think I'm done. In approximately 115 hours I will likely be passed out in a glorious bed in Mexico. And so will be the pattern for five nights. I will then return home to delete my Match account and figure out what the hell I'm up to out here. I don't know what I want and I clearly have not found my way just yet. So it's time for me to let go of the past and find my future...or at least enjoy the present.

And for the record...POS Turbo (the ex) has been an excuse far too long. He was a lot of things far too long and I'm over it. So to all my girlfriends, hold me to that. He is no longer an acceptable excuse. And he no longer is allowed in any part of my life what so ever. Even for comic relief emails. I shall find new material for said emails.

Just Call Me Cadabby...

Hold your horses boys and girls...there is a new Sesame Street character and she has taken my favorite name as her own. Meet Abby Cadabby. Apparently she loves magic and has a wand of her own which she is learning to use for good everyday. Or so says the press release I found on Google after seeing a late night commercial featuring the precious pinky and Elmo. Well life just keeps getting better. I think it's safe for me to bring a child into the world now. And for the record...anyone named Abby would certainly not be using her magic only for good. But she is three so I guess we can give her time to come to her senses.

Oh fuck...she even has a catch phrase. "That's so magic!" You can guarantee I will be sprinkling my daily speech with that now. And possibly crafting my own catch phrase. I'm open to suggestions :)

If It Isn't One Thing...

It's another. So 'Steamy slipped a text in on Tuesday while I was working stating "Hey, hope you are well. Sorry for the silence. I just got back from Tahoe tonight. It's been a long trip." Oh well now that seems nice enough doesn't it? So I responded with some breezy texts and he was quick to ask if I had weekend plans. I gave him a song and dance, maybe this, maybe that and said we should maybe talk Thursday to figure something out. Well much to my surprise he called early this evening. So we talked weekend plans and all of the sudden his was sounding full. But he still wanted to know what I was up to and we tossed around a "play it by ear" idea for Saturday. All of this was of course in line with the advice I've been getting from Hairplugs and others to not be too available. Well 'Steamy had to rush off the phone to go for a run and I was left wondering yet again, WTF?! Why did he even call if we weren't going to make solid plans? I was disappointed with the outcome to say the least. So after an hour long chat with my dear Brandon from back home I decided to take charge and suggest we just get together Sunday. It took him an hour plus to respond to the text (Ok so I'm not real patient). But we now have plans for something low key on Sunday evening. Sometimes I think my brother is right. I don't know if I'm cut out for this guy. He seems to have an issue with planning and perhaps prioritizing.

Other points of interest...had to move my coffee thing to Saturday because I'm a moron and don't know my schedule. Ooops. And I decided to buck up tonight and send some emails via Match to see if I get any kind of response. Glad it's almost Spring and I'll be getting outdoors soon. This blog is in need of a new hobby :)

Big Brother...

Today may have been the weirdest day of my life. After annoying my brother with countless "Why isn't he calling?!" conversations, brother dearest asked to see my profiles on the dating sites. He even made suggestions and picked out a couple guys I should contact. Random! But one of his suggestions was completely my style so we'll see if it goes anywhere. As you may have already guessed, still no word from McSteamy. I'm having coffee on Wednesday with a guy I met back in September and lost contact with, and I've been emailing a few people on Match so who knows. I'll likely fall madly in love with someone new next week. That is my standard as of late :)

Blah Blah Blah...

Well most of you have the latest update as I obsess to each of you on an almost daily basis. But here's the update for those that don't. Had a lovely chat with Hairplugs last night and he gave me some advice for dealing with McSteamy. You see McSteamy has let a week go by without contacting me and so now I'm being patient and trying to wait him out. Uhg. I'm about to go stark raving mad. I have to constantly remind myself it's been a month...no big deal if it ends tomorrow. By the way, Hairplugs said I probably shouldn't have slept with him and shouldn't have had the "I like you" chat. Well great, day late and a dollar short 'plugs.

And now for the elusive bikini I spoke of earlier. I'm posting pictures just because I've finally learned how to use the feature on this blog :) What can I say...I've been a bit busy. Now if only the body came with the suit. *sigh* But at least you can all picture me in Mexico soaking up the booze and sporting one hell of a fake bake. Eighteen days!

Cancer Coffin...

Alright, I finally broke down and tanned. In light of my upcoming Mexico excursion, I thought it was in my best interest to establish a "base tan". So five minutes in the cancer coffin for me today. I know now why I have never joined the tanning obsession. It's a hot, sticky, small space and I was not offered any sort of refreshing beverage. Yuck...nine more tans to go then some real sun and beverages. Tomorrow I shall tackle another demon and buy a bikini.

R.I.P Ziggy...

Yesterday the rain poured and I said goodbye to a furry friend. Ziggy has been by my side since I started this crazy roller coaster ride of life in CA. I can't help but think it's partly my fault. Coming home from work the last two nights has been rough. I miss the little guy...

Musical Euphoria...

Attended an outstanding concert tonight featuring, among others, Ruthie Foster. This woman had me covered in goose bumps every time she opened her mouth. So good was the musical sampling that I forgot I was at the concert alone. Hitting a concert solo is a first for me but I survived to tell the tale. May even do it again soon. But what's a concert without at least a few entertaining side shows? Thank you to the man that tripped down the stairs three songs into the show. Your speedy recovery was impressive and I'm pleased you were able to tough it out until intermission before hitting the bar for more. Also a heart-felt thanks, "yeah", and jig to the man two rows ahead of me wearing jail-bird orange and jamming in the aisles. You make me proud to be an American and take me back to my wild days of Deadwood Jams and Tom Petty. I expect similar gusto at the next concert.

PS - I suggest a Google search of Ruthie Foster to anyone reading this blog while buying and selling power at 2 am :)

Hold The Phone...

*NEWS FLASH* Houdini is now in a relationship. Crazy! I am thankful everyday for the vast snooping power the internet provides. With any luck, I'll know in upcoming days just who this mystery woman is. Perhaps I should warn her that his emotional abilities are neatly packaged into two months. Actually, I'm happy to hear he's moved out of his fog finally.

Also, spoke to McSteamy last night for a bit of clarification. Apparently we both like each other and are interested to see where it all goes. But we're taking it slow...still. There was simply not enough alcohol involved in that conversation to ease my nerves. But I survived and can stop obsessing...for a little while at least. What would my life be without obsessions and analyzing every mundane detail? Must jet however, lives to save!

Can a Leopard Change Its Spots...

Apparently not...you all know where this is going. Got together with McSteamy last night and had every intention of not staying all night OR sleeping with him. Didn't bring any over night items and left my house awry as incentive to actually make it home...I even had a friend text me to say "Get your floozy booty home" though she was much nicer about it all. Well here I am the next day decked out in his sweatshirt and smelling of his bath products. I've been advised by two brilliant women however to let it be and see where this all goes. He doesn't seem to be the type that responds well to pressure for relationships. And bottom line, it's a damn good time with him...sex and otherwise. So for now I'm a traveling _____, label to be determined at a later date.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

As far as sex is concerned, it would seem I've always been a bit better at show than tell. I came to an interesting conclusion last night during the 45 minutes it took the ambien to kick in. If McSteamy can't get over the whole sex issue then maybe he's not for me. I've spent how many years obsessing over when the right time is, did I mess things up, and blah blah blah. Well I'm pretty sure some historical female sexpots fought awfully hard for me to be able to sit here in my sports bar and tiny shorts and openly blog about sex. Those same women fought for me to be able to say, "Hey, I like sex...a lot. And I'm not the least bit ashamed of who I am...which includes my sexuality" Men frolic from bed to bed without a second thought and very little societal backlash. So as I sit here today waiting for McSteamy to make the call, perhaps it's already been made. As Popeye would say "I yam who I yam." Embrace it and benefit or move on McSteamy!

I'm A Little Tea Pot...

While there are certainly days I feel the part...short and stout, this post has nothing to do with that. And everything to do with my latest purchase, a tea pot. I have long been a connoisseur of tea and plan to snub coffee for decades to come. Yet I have never bothered to buy a tea pot. So after years of boiling water in the microwave I broke down. I sit here now with a perfect cup. Heaven here on earth I have found.

Love life update: McSteamy finally called. Not even going to lie, I was starting to sweat. He is to call tomorrow or Friday to work out some potential weekend plans. We shall see...

Oops I Did It Again...

Need I even say more?! McSteamy may be too hot to handle...certainly too hot to resist. It's official I am my own worst enemy. And now I must sit and wait to hear from him. I know better than to get into these positions but that doesn't seem to help. My hope is that I can "connect" with McSteamy again and actually make it home. Uhg. Love and relationships are such a fantastic mess.

On an unrelated note I am about ready to start job hunting. There's been an extreme amount of inner termoil at work lately. Makes me nervous to say the least. How I loathe job hunting...but at least it gives me something to think about instead of McSteamy :)

Date Two...All Nighter?

Date two with McSteamy turned into an all night Wednesday romp followed by a twelve hour shift on three hours of "sleep"...woops. Not at all what I had planned. He called today and we're going to "connect" tomorrow. It would seem that despite my best efforts I have yet again fallen into the trap of letting things spiral out of control. Yet I don't regret a minute of my wild Wednesday and will be interested to see how things unfold over the next few weeks.

This brings me to an age old question: When is the "right" time to, well, hit it out of the park? I'm over the traditional rules of dating and relationships and have been since I was sixteen. I guess I'm secretly hoping he too is over the rules. Only time will tell... :)

McSteamy...

First date with Mr. Man last night, which one of my girls back home has compared to...McSteamy. She may very well be on to something. What kind of woman would I be if I didn't tear apart the date and play by play to any and all that will listen. So here it goes:

While shorter than I had anticipated, his online photos were very accurate and I had no trouble finding him in the antique store we agreed to meet at. We then wandered next door to a local eatery for drinks and appetizers. Some local talent showed up and so we decided to stay for round two of great beer, conversation and music. It was of course his idea to stick around. Three hours later...McSteamy escorted me to my car where he suggested we take a moonlit stroll across the river. And yes I have now ignored all rules for safe online dating but anyway. Once we made it back we hugged and he so sweetly asked if he could kiss me. This is a new one for me, not sure anyone has ever asked my permission. And my my did we kiss, I am just a shade past smitten. We took a big step today and are now...facebook friends. *Sigh* Young love. I will be seeing McSteamy again on Wednesday and can't wait.

Dear Molly...

Dear Molly and Ryan C...
It has come to my attention, courtesy of American Express's multiple early morning phone calls, that you have unpaid bills. While you are like so many Americans, your plight is beginning to disturb my very precious sleep. This simply will not stand. I assume you are not out there busting your ass to pay your bills so perhaps you can find time in your busy schedule to update your contact information. If not, I will be forced to google you and update it myself next time they call. Thanks and best wishes.

Put Me In Coach...

Well I've decided to take the plunge yet again and venture back into online dating, this time on match.com. So far so good, but then again it's day one. However, I have a bone to pick...why is it that men have no qualms contacting a woman that is young enough to be their daughter?! My age range is clearly displayed. Do they think that's just a friendly suggestion, guidelines to be ignored? WTF?! Unfortunately I have no means of retaliation as most men would be thrilled to have a young thing swooning over them. Awww the perils of finding love. I'll keep you posted as this plays out.

Latitude & Longitude...

I've experienced a strange geographical phenomena as of late. While sleeping soundly each night, I have been transported from my little chunk of paradise in California 1400 miles back to my previous home. Perhaps this means I'm finally starting to feel at home in a place that was never meant to be my home. Or perhaps I'm sleep deprived and overworked...my money is on the latter.

Saturday Night's Alright...

Home alone in Desolation, California for my umpteenth Saturday. Not always a good scenario...mind starts to wander. Currently mulling over the pros and cons of initiating an affair with one of my married and much older coworkers. My my I need to get out of the house more...though I probably shouldn't pick up extra hours at work :)

Online Dating 101...

As promised I've returned ready to share and feeling ultra chic (thank you Riesling). You will soon learn I analyze everything...unfortunately as far as relationships are concerned, I analyze far too late. But all that aside I thought I'd share the highlights of the past six months which I spent exploring the realm of online dating. Here's the recap:

June/July: Stumble across a site, singlesnet.com, while I should be studying for an incredibly important career changing test. Meet a nice enough guy in Nor Cal and start chatting (Mapquest his location and discover he is three hours from my new home). But I wasn't about to let a few miles deter me. Arrive in California only to find internet mystery man has reconciled with ex-girlfried, in fact they were now "on fire".

August: Settling into my new home and finding it terribly drab, I revisit singlesnet.com. I meet two prospective gentlemen. Meet the first at a classy joint called the "Rusty Nail". He was nice enough and boosted my confidence in the whole online dating scene...basically he wasn't crazy. Suitor # 2 was a small distance south and we made plans to meet for a weekend...which he later cancels last minute because as he so honestly informs me, he's been seeing someone else and doesn't want me to have to play "second fiddle". How thoughtful.

September: Following the suggestion of my oh so helpful older brother, I again attempt to make "friends" online using okcupid.com. Again meet two prospective beaus, one near and one far. Streamlining the process I opt to meet the closer of the two, a man I now call "Skeleton Man" or simply "Creep" when describing him to girlfriends back home. He was a firefighter and not about to let anyone forget that. First date, he shows up in uniform...red flag! While I wasn't entirely impressed after date one I thought I should give him a chance and work outside the box for a bit. Date two was to be a weekend of camping or lounging, whatever we decided. Upon arriving at his house I received a gift...wine (1 point for Creep), lotion in flavors I wouldn't even give as white elephant gifts (no point awarded or deducted) and finally a dozen or so pairs of underwear ranging from skanky to scary in various sizes. "You can wear these when we're out camping and curled up in the tent" WTF, game over! When I explain to blockhead that I don't want to see him anymore he has the balls to say "I hope you know I won't wait around for you" followed by "We could be friends with benefits".

October: Actually meet and enjoy a fella' from Oregon that I shall christen Houdini. He up and disappears mid November...still a sore subject.

November: Everything happens for a reason...or does it? August's southern suitor returns to the scene as he and the broad mentioned above are no more. Turns out she was married when they started dating but had a nine month old son from an unknown contributor and well, things just weren't working out. As we're catching up he suggests we meet over Thanksgiving. As quickly as he offered he recanted, the following day. Awwww yes...

December: Finally meet Suitor # 2 after two failed attempts. Not what I was hoping for but again willing to gamble.

January: Spend New Years with new acquaintance Suitor # 2 and accompany him to appointment for hair transplants the following day...Spend majority of day wondering what the hell I was thinking. Ultimately decide we're not quite compatible, but his new full mane...top notch.

So there you have it. My past six months in a nutshell, you will no longer be able to shake your head as I open a second bottle of wine but will instead say "Let me pour that for you". Cheers!

She's so California...

I'm new to the world of blogging and had every intention of starting this when I first moved to California 6 months ago. How I ended up in California is still a mystery to me. More to follow...